These specialty products, all of which are currently sold over the good old Internet, manage to push the boundaries of extravagance and questionable taste, simultaneously. You’d be surprised how many of them are sold out.

Banana Guard – Those fears of bananas being squashed in your lunch bag are finally over. This handy protective case will shield that nanner against rocket attacks, stampedes and thermoses, or at least just thermoses. Other fruit protectors are available as well, because you definitely need them, too.

Plastic Wishbones – Finally, vegetarians can wish on something besides stars, dandelions, birthday candles, rainbows, falling eyelashes, white horses, ladybugs, acorns, pennies, necklace clasps, earrings, feathers, falling leaves, times of the day, palindromes, blarney stones, sunsets, lost teeth, straw wrappers, raindrops, snowflakes, lucky numbers and fireflies.

Great Big Toothbrush – Think those giant remotes are funny? They’re nothing compared to this 5-foot toothbrush, which is designed to “inspire” kids to brush their teeth. Because nothing encourages good personal hygiene like big, funny plastic stuff. Four-story deodorant stick sold separately.

Doggles – These underwater goggles, made especially for dogs, will protect their eyes against chlorinated pool water and pesky UV rays. Plus they don’t even fog up, ensuring your dog’s unspoiled view underwater. Great for avoiding the loss of dog contact lenses.

Baby Hair Protector – Is your baby self-conscious about baldness? Are they developing an unsightly, un-cute bald spot from all that lying and rolling around? Why wait months for their real hair to catch up when you can use delicious chemicals instead, with this Rogain-like formula for babies. Come on, your baby has a self-image to maintain.

To-Do Hand Tattoos – These temporary-tattoo guide lines ensure you look responsible and organized as you write your to-do list in neat, straight lines across the palm of your hand. We’re still waiting on the handy address-book tattoos for women’s phone numbers.

Cat-Proof Typing Software – Any cat owner knows the critters love to run across your keyboard as you’re typing, rudely adding random characters to your page, deleting documents or even re-formatting the entire hard drive with a few paw sweeps. Not anymore, with this cat-detecting software, which freezes the screen and promptly severs the keyboard’s connection upon sensing “cat typing.” It then waits for a command from you before restoring functionality. This, undoubtedly, makes things far less annoying.

“Revenge” Aggravating Noise CD – For those who are constantly irritated by noisy neighbors’ obnoxious music, this CD fights back with even more obnoxious sounds, such as screeching violins, ear-shattering drums, inhuman screaming, bowling noises, and yes, orgasm sounds. It even comes with ear plugs, to shield the user’s own eardrums. Your neighbors will have a new-found respect for you, and they won’t think you’re crazy at all.

Motorized Ice Cream Cone – Carpel tongue syndrome (yes, that is their marketing strategy) will be a thing of the past, as you will no longer have to annoyingly turn your ice cream cone around to lick the other side of it. This motorized spinning cone does it for you. With the press of a button, you will be the most resourceful moron on the block.

Moo Mixer – For the chocolate milk fan who has everything, this almost effortless system takes all of that exhaustive stirring out of making chocolate milk. Just pour in your milk and chocolate, push a button, and watch the motorized mixer finally obliterate your primal human spirit forever.

Security Briefs – These fake briefs come with a nifty storage compartment for money, jewelry and valuables. They also come with disgusting, fake “stains” that ensure your sticky-fingered hotel maid will not look there while she’s picking over your room. Does not work on live-in maids who do laundry.

Gin and Titonic – Give your beverage more “taste” with this ice cube kit, which makes small, Titanic-shaped ice cubes – complete with tiny ice bergs for them to hit. Brighten up your next cocktail party by reenacting this historic tragedy, right there in everyone’s glass. Coming soon: the USS Arizona, the Lusitania and TWA flight 800.

Golf Swing Doctor – Does your fanny pack, clip-on rangefinder and golf GPS system leave some of your dignity intact? Wipe out the rest of it with this swing-adjusting hat brim extension, which places solid guidelines into your field of view to show you exactly where to put your club. And if that doesn’t work, we’ll just tell you where to put it.

Portable Drive-n-Grill – George Foreman may have introduced his grill to kitchens across America, but he apparently never thought to take it to the next level – onto the highway. This grill is superior to all others, with a DC car adapter for all your grillin’ adventures over 55 mph. Just remember to throw on an extra burger for the state trooper.

Taser / MP3 Player Combo Holster – At last, you don’t have to worry about keeping your iPod and your taser in two separate places. This holster carries both in one easy package, so you can render any attackers unconscious without missing a beat of your favorite tune. What could make more sense? Comes in several colors, including leopard print, obviously.